The Mary Sue Extermination Agency
by Azrael-013
Summary: In a bid to rid fanfiction of Mary Sues the Agency was born. Um, yeah, that’s pretty much it; read on. T-13 mostly for cynicism and language.
1. Plastic Dolls of Doom

  
**MSEA – The Mary Sue Extermination Agency**

Genre: Action/Adventure/Parody  
Rating: T-13  
Summary: In a bid to rid fanfiction of Mary Sues the Agency was born. Um, yeah, that's pretty much it; read on. T-13 mostly for cynicism and language.

When I first began typing this down I had no intention of posting it. I've posted a few anti-Sue stories in the past, and this served as a private outlet, but after looking through it I realized it wasn't half a bad fic. And besides, it was time I ventured out of the Wrestling section.

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Dynasty Warriors, World Wrestling Entertainment, Pirates of the Caribbean, Lost, The MegaTen Series, Final Fantasy and anything and everything from whatever else fandom pops up within the fanfic.All original cahracters used within the Agency are mine. 

Obviously this is not Sue-friendly. Consider yourself warned.

Date Uploaded: 30 April 2005

**Chapter 01: Plastic Dolls of Doom**

It was sunset at the kingdom of Wu. The extremely good-looking strategist and sworn brother of Sun Ce, Zhou Yu, strode purposely down an open hall, wondering where his hyperactive young wife had gone to this time. Xiao Qiao was the only person Zhou Yu knew could fluster him with her frequent disappearances and knack for rushing right into the heat of battle.

And so the gorgeous young man continued on his way, quite unaware of the plot to ensnare him the moment he turned the next corner. Two gleeful eyes the color of sapphires trained on him. The owner was a stunning woman with brown locks held back by an assortment of trinkets even Zhang He would have envied. Her silk gown clung to her extremely curvy body and left little to the imagination. Long legs seemed to stretch on forever and ended in dainty little slippers. She had some pretty Chinese name with an equally pretty meaning, but for the sake of minimizing confusion let us name her Sue000328156.

Any minute now, Sue000328156 thought to herself. She had practiced her damsel in distress act quite well, and knew that one bat of those killer eyelashes would land her this hunk. Xiao who? She scoffed. Oh please, that adolescent had nothing on her. Now just a few more steps…

And her carefully formulated plan was pounded to dust the moment a sword was unsheathed behind her back. Before she could even react the fine blade sliced between her shoulder blades, not killing her but eliminating her very being. Sue000328156 wasn't even able to utter a sound.

The blade was retracted and she staggered a step forward, turning with difficulty to face her attacker. It was another woman, dressed in simple servant's clothes, the sword held expertly in her hands. "Who, w-wha…?" she gasped out in barely audible tones.

The mystery woman simply sheathed her sword and hid it beneath her long robes. "Couldn't have you messing with Wu's pretty boy, now could we?" she said with a cryptic smile.

And within seconds Sue000328156's body began to fade and finally disappeared into a fine mist. All traces that she had ever been there simply melted into the coming evening. Zhou Yu turned the corner to find one of the maids sweeping the hallway. Upon seeing him she stopped, stepped to one side and bowed. He gave a slight nod and went on his way, barely even looking at her.

The mystery woman lifted her head a little to watch him move farther along. Well her work here was done, for now. She gave the same smile as earlier and moved in the direction of the corner he had rounded. She turned there and vanished.

**»»»**

"Swift, clean, perfect work as usual, Riviera," Erin, her supervisor, commended, nodding her head and tossing the case file onto her desk. "My only beef is that maybe next time you can refrain from being seen at all."

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Give me a break, Erin. You gave me almost no warning or information about this one, and it was a pain in the neck enough to sneak into the castle, not to mention actually find her once inside it."

"It was just a suggestion. You complain too much. You're lucky you're one of my best field agents or I'd never put up with your carping otherwise," Erin grinned, which Alexis promptly returned with a scowl.

They were in Erin's office on one of the top floors of the MSEA building, located within the CPI - Canon Protection Institute – grounds. MSEA stood for Mary Sue Extermination Agency, a vital part in keeping the order among canon in every fandom.

Mary Sues were the pretty, perfect spawns from the imaginations of young writers, mostly female, that infiltrated different fandoms in the hopes of ensnaring their desired hottie (alternately the male form is considered the Marty Stu or Sam). They often inserted themselves so severely within storylines and scripts that their presences would alter the universe of the fandoms they populated. That was when the MSEA was born in an effort to tame and eventually rid the fandoms of these walking, plastic dolls of doom. It was tough work; there was no shortage of teens and pre-teens, sometimes even grown women, fantasizing about pairing what they find are more glamorous or cooler versions of themselves with the likes of Legolas and Draco Malfoy.

Alexis was a salvaged Sue. She had not needed to be taken out by one of MSEA's agents; she had realized the error of her own ways before that happened and willingly joined of her own accord. Now she was, as Erin said, one of the most competent, and thus very much relied on by her supervisor.

"I've got another for you," Erin said, fishing out a different folder from the file rack beside her desk. She handed it to Alexis. "More information this time, so you should be happy about that. Some sort of Elf-Hobbit hybrid," here she grinned wryly. "Ever notice how none of the Sues want to be Dwarves? Anyway, our perpetrator spawns somewhere in Lothlórien; should be easier among those trees than the actual flets in the inner sanctum of Lórien. No doubt a piece of cake for you, huh?"

Alexis rifled through the case file but stopped once Erin mentioned Lothlórien. She threw the folder back onto the desk. "Forget it, Erin. You know I stay well away from Middle-Earth. Send me to deal with Sues from WWE, POTC, even HP – although there's no guarantee I won't take out the wrong chick, don't know much about the canon there – but not LOTR."

Erin sighed. She had hoped to present this mission to Alexis in as non-threatening a way as possible. "Alexis, you know that Middle-Earth has the most number of crazed Mary Sues running around. We're short on workers right now, and your help is invaluable."

"I won't do it."

"Even for me?"

"You don't warrant any favors. You used up the last one when you forced me to hunt down that perverted Stu who inserted himself in BloodRayne. Remember that?"

Erin winced, remembering quite well. "If you hate the thought of going to Middle-Earth this much, you're going to love the next bit."

"And what's that?" Alexis asked suspiciously.

"The department has assigned you a new partner."

Now Alexis' eyes narrowed and her entire expression darkened. "Erin…" she began in a dangerous voice.

Erin held up a hand to stop her. "You know how precarious it is to go out on solitary missions, Alexis. What if you run into a problem? God forbid, but you know that it's a possibility. You're going to need someone to have your back. You've been partner-less for nearly two months and we can't keep risking you going off alone."

"Shouldn't that be my choice whether I want to work solo or not?" Alexis said stubbornly.

"If you're at risk the agency is at risk," Erin said. "There's no use arguing your way out of this one, Alexis, I'm putting my foot down." Here her expression softened. "I know losing your former partner was upsetting and you're wary about getting another one so soon. But this is more for your safety than covering our own asses and you know it."

Alexis sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine, a compromise then. Any chance I can get one over the other?"

Erin shook her head, although an amused smile lifted one corner of her mouth. "No deal this time. Both or I'll have you pushing paper for the next six weeks."

"You're an inhuman slave driver, Van Der Lee," Alexis growled, turning to leave.

"Nice to see that we're seeing eye to eye on this one, Riviera," Erin said, turning her attention back to her computer. "Your partner will be waiting for you at the point of entry at 0800 hours."

Alexis smothered another growl and the door shut behind her.

**»»» continued**


	2. He's New

  
I'm going to try and cover as many fandoms as I can, but I'm not an expert in any of them and will no doubt make some mistakes (which other badfics may or may not have already humiliatingly done). If ever that happens, feel free to hurl objects at my head. Or, if that isn't possible, single it out in a review. Now, on to the second chapter.

Date Uploaded: 06 May 2005

**Chapter 02: He's New**

The woods of Lothlórien were always eerily serene. Joshua St. Louis stayed in the shadows of a huge tree, confident that no Elves who could be hiding up away in the boughs could see him as long as he remained still and quiet. He kept himself from glancing at his watch again, although he knew that it was eight-oh-five. She was late.

The leaves rustled overhead and Joshua instinctively looked up. At once something clamped over his mouth and in a flash he was dragged into some bushes. His ears caught a faint whizzing sound and he realized that it was an arrow slicing through the air.

_Not a word._

The command rang from within his head and he obeyed it at once. His eyes, thankfully uncovered, caught sight of movement between the leaves of the bush. An Elf, tall, blonde and graceful, bent over and picked up the arrow that had imbedded itself in the ground where Joshua had been standing on mere nanoseconds ago. The Elf looked around suspiciously, a bit confused; he was sure that he had noticed something here. A low whistle from his comrades kept him from investigating any further, however, and he turned and bounded off.

After a few moments, when it seemed that the coast was clear, Joshua's captor released him. He slowly backed and away and stood up, turning around to face his brusque savior.

"Glad to see our Matrix-like telepathy is working," she said, dusting herself off. "It's a wonder that Elf didn't see us. Somebody up there must really like you."

"Agent Riviera, I assume," Joshua said. "I'm glad you showed up when you did, but you're late."

"Right. And just think, if I had been one split second later you'd have an arrow as head decoration," Alexis said, looking none too pleased at having been chided by her new partner.

Joshua flashed her a smile. He was a charmer; wide, easy-going grin, fairish skin, blue eyes, very dark hair and boyishly good-looking. He carried himself in an assured manner and towered almost a foot taller than her. Alexis wondered briefly if Erin had set her up or not. Either way, she was sure her supervisor was getting a kick out of it. Now he extended his hand. "Joshua St. Louis, your new partner."

"Wonderful," Alexis responded with complete indifference, although she did shake his hand. She was a sharp contrast to his open features. She had face that would have been pretty had it not been so severe, darkish skin and deep brown eyes. She was a plain Jane and preferred to be as inconspicuous as possible. She could tell from the get go that they were polar opposites.

"Well, considering we're headlong into a mission off the bat and you're the senior partner, any quick knowledge you'd like to impart to me?" he asked her.

"Yeah. Don't get exterminated yourself," Alexis said wryly, spinning on her heel and moving off, beckoning him along almost impatiently.

Joshua frowned a little, honestly expecting more of a pleasant welcome. With a shrug and tolerant sigh he followed.

As they walked Alexis gradually slipped into her disguise. Her short, black hair elongated and grew to a fine flaxen gold, tresses falling about her shoulders. Her skin color lightened and her distinctly Southeast Asian features shifted to make her look more Caucasian. Elven robes of rich earth tones replaced her black and white business suit. Now, as she strolled along, she looked like any other member of the Fair Folk.

"Well?" she asked impatiently, looking at Joshua. "Aren't you going to change too? The sooner we get this over with the sooner we can leave."

"Is there really such a need for a disguise?" he asked.

"Well in the event we're seen, which is highly possible considering Elves are the most perceptive bastards on Middle-Earth, it would help if we weren't so suspicious-looking."

Joshua sighed, knowing she was right, and then his appearance began to morph as well. His hair remained dark but flowed out in long locks, tucked behind pointed ears. His outfit shifted into a green tunic that was common among the archers of Lórien and a bow of fine craft appeared on his back. His blue eyes became more vivid and his look more intense.

"We're a fucking Sue and Stu," he said with a sigh, noting her amused half-grin upon seeing his completed disguise.

"Right. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it," Alexis said, continuing on the way. "Now come on, we should run into our target soon. If we're lucky she hasn't made much of a move yet."

They walked along, Joshua having grown quiet due to his delight at trying out his current Elven ears. He turned his head this way and that, amused at being able to hear even the lightest sound, like the falling of a leaf or the soft footfalls of Alexis in front of him. Presently the greenish color of the trees began to lighten, and after crossing one of the rope-thin bridges with ease, they found themselves headed towards the golden wood.

"You ever stop to sightsee when you're on a mission?" Joshua suddenly asked, admiring their surroundings.

"Not if I want to fail," was Alexis' sharp reply. She drew him behind a tree and pointed at something quite a ways away. "There's our target."

Joshua, equally as impressed with his heightened sense of sight, spotted the blonde head of a curly-haired female about a hundred yards away. She was seated underneath a tree, apparently trying to decide how to look as cute as possible for when the Fellowship arrived, as she constantly fidgeted with her outfit and her position.

"Pretty little thing," he commented. "I'll bet she's got a suitably pretty Elf name picked out, mixed with another pretty Hobbit name. Something highly unpronounceable."

"To hell with that, she's Sue000347195 on our records," Alexis said dryly.

"Funny, I thought there would be more," Joshua commented.

"Oh there has to be millions. But the MSEA's only been around for a year or so, once it was realized that the amount of original characters gone Mary Sue had gotten out of hand. But considering the number of these hell spawns and the agents in the organization, I'd say we've been doing a pretty good job so far."

By this time Joshua had fitted an arrow into his bow and was taking aim. "Done? Because we have just about two more minutes to successfully complete our mission."

"Oh shut up and take the shot."

And he did. The arrow flew straight and true… and sank into the tree bark mere inches from Sue000347195's head.

Alexis slapped a palm to her forehead in exasperation as Joshua blinked and colored. "Shit. I could have sworn I had her."

Instead of replying, Alexis quickly swung into action. She dashed forward, pulling a knife from her robes as she did so. Within seconds she bore upon the startled Sue000347195 and brought her weapon down, only to be halted as the Sue brought up her ridiculously lavish-looking sword and stopped it.

"Who the hell are you?" she demanded.

"Agent Alexis Riviera, CPI, MSEA division," Alexis said. "You are in violation of canon and therefore must be eliminated."

"You're the idiot who fired that arrow at me?"

"No, that was my partner," Alexis jerked a thumb in the direction of where Joshua was still trying to fathom how he missed that shot. "He's new."

"Wait, you're planning to kill me?" Sue000347195 shrieked, suddenly realizing what she meant.

Not answering, Alexis lunged again. Sue000347195 tried to once more stop her with her sword, but Alexis had only faked the forward thrust in order to throw her off. Swiveling around she lashed out and planted the knife cleanly into Sue000347195's side, all the way up to the hilt.

In mere seconds Sue000347195's body had evaporated into a fine mist. She left no trace, not even a stain on Alexis' blade. Alexis sheathed her weapon and then heard noises moving in her direction. A loud voice was protesting something. Gimli, probably. Looking around in panic, she finally leapt upwards and swung herself onto one of the high, golden boughs above. There she crouched and waited, hoping that neither she nor Joshua would be seen.

Sure enough the company of eight appeared, along with Haldir and a few more escort Elves. The eight were blindfolded and being led along, Gimli placated now but still muttering to himself. They passed underneath the tree Alexis was in and then continued deeper into the golden wood.

Even when they were out of sight Alexis waited for a few more minutes. When she was sure it was safe she turned and began to move quickly from one tree to another, finally dropping down into her former position beside Joshua, who had stayed in his spot.

He jumped a little when she reappeared. "You know, you've got to teach me how to move like that."

"Sure, right after I teach you how to aim properly," she grumbled at him, turning to leave.

"Hey, the bow pulls to the left," Joshua defended, following her. They took a few more steps and then vanished cleanly together.

**»»» continued**


	3. That Almost Sounded Poetic

  
As it is I'm a little ticked... all right, heck, I'm fucking pissed that my Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne disc, which is absolutely impossible to get in my area, has given out on me. As such my timelines and descriptions in this chapter maybe a bit off. Seeing as the Digital Devil Saga deluxe box is also set to come out pretty soon with NO CHANCE of me getting it short of various illegal methods, I will have to resign myself with crying into my pitiful collection of MegaTen paraphernalia.

And on that cheery note, here's the third chapter.

Date Uploaded: 14 May 2005

**Chapter 03: That Almost Sounded Poetic**

"So how was your first mission together?" Erin asked.

"He's incompetent and doesn't take the job seriously. I want us separated," Alexis said in monotone.

"Hey, I AM in the room, you know!" Joshua protested.

The two other women both turned to him, Erin with an apologetic smile and Alexis with a casual roll of the eyes. Erin spoke. "Don't take it personally, Joshua. Alexis doesn't like anybody."

"Very funny, Erin," Alexis said. Then she thought about it. "That does have an element of truth in it, though."

Joshua knew he should have felt angry at Alexis' callousness, but the most he could feel was shame. He knew he had screwed up in their job at Lothlórien and wanted to make up for it pretty badly.

"Come on, Alexis, one more chance," he said, giving her his best grin. "If I fuck up our next mission again I will personally bend over so you can boot my ass out the door yourself."

Alexis sighed. "Oh fine. Next mission you take down the Sue. And do a good job of it."

Joshua grinned at Erin. "Don't you just love how merciful and tolerant she is?"

"Anyway, let's get to your actual assignment," Erin said, cutting off any sort of retaliation from Alexis. She wondered briefly if she had been right in thinking that these two would be good for each other, but pushed that out of her mind and went on. "We have a wannabe goth/punker Sue who is apparently after Dante."

"Dante?" Joshua echoed. "As in Dante of Devil May Cry fame? Dude in a red trench coat with pistols not unlike Vash Stampede?"

"That's him," Erin said, nodding.

Alexis looked at Joshua. "Well, this is all yours. I know jack shit about anything in the Devil May Cry environment."

"Not exactly, Alexis," Erin said, pushing the case file towards her and Joshua. "You're going to love this part. The Sue's not after him in any of the games of the Devil May Cry series; she's after him in the setting of Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne."

That apparently was not the best thing to say, and Erin seemed to know that, subconsciously pushing her office chair back a foot. Joshua watched as Alexis' hand froze in the middle of reaching for the folder.

"A… Sue? In the… Megaten-verse?" she asked in a low, dangerous voice.

"Right," Erin said, proceeding with a little more caution, even as Joshua slowly took the folder from off the desk. "Spawns somewhere outside a town called Shibuya. We're not sure exactly how she plans on encountering Dante."

"My precious fandom… is being sullied by Sues?"

"Now Alexis, don't get yourself carried away," Erin warned strictly. "A simple job; get in, hack the Sue apart, blow her up, anything to get rid of her, and then leave before anybody vital to canon can see you. None of the flailing you did last time, got it?"

"I've got it," Alexis said, giving her a sharp look. She abruptly stood up, nearly knocking Joshua over with her chair. "Excuse me, I need to prepare. I'll see you in half an hour, Joshua," and with that she left the room.

"What was that all about?" Joshua asked, rifling through the folder.

"Some agents do have a tendency to be quite partial to certain fandoms," Erin explained. "On the top of Alexis' list is the Megaten series, an RPG line from a developer called Atlus, maybe because it's so obscure. Make sure she doesn't sadistically skewer the Sue."

"Right, I'll see to that," Joshua gave her a charming smile, and then exited the room.

**»»»**

This time it was Alexis who was early, waiting impatiently at Yoyogi Park. She caught sight of Joshua coming over and motioned for him to hurry up.

He walked stiffly over to her. "This place gives me the creeps," he said, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "There are ghosts and demons everywhere, and not a single human person in sight. It's like the world is dead and it's trying to infect my soul."

"I'm impressed, St. Louis, that almost sounded poetic," Alexis said, giving a small grin.

Joshua looked to his right and promptly jumped at the sight of an Incubus demon floating near them. "What the hell is THAT?"

"You got a problem with me, buddy?" the demon demanded.

Joshua, no doubt trying not to eye the obscenely large phallus-like thing on the demon's crotch, shook his head. "No, man, no."

"Whatever, man," the Incubus said, rolling its eyes. "But hey, I've got to tell you guys, check out the Lady of the Fount before you leave. She is HOT!" it gave a predatory grin.

"Right, we'll definitely do that," Joshua said, cocking a finger in its direction and then turning back to Alexis with a disturbed frown. "Can we do this mission and get out of here? Quickly?"

She still had that amused smile on her face and by now it was pissing him off. "All right, all right," she looked at her watch. "We have to get to Shibuya in ten minutes time. Sue000377554 should have spawned there by then; she'll no doubt be looking to make her way out and 'bump' into Dante after he encounters the main playable character outside the hospital."

"What to the how and the who and when?"

"Just follow me," she said with a sardonic glare, moving towards the exit.

Joshua, who had absolutely no intention to sightsee or get lost in this fandom, quickly strode after her, even as behind them the Incubus called out, "No, not there, you idiots! The closest Fountain of Life is THAT way!"

**»»»**

Despite the wreckage that scattered all over the post-apocalyptic atmosphere of Nocturne, there were still a few vestiges of civilization to be spotted. One was the small strip of basement shops and club that was Shibuya. Alexis and Joshua entered five minutes after they had left Yoyogi Park, Joshua trying very hard not to look at the other floating Shinentai demon to the right of the entrance.

"There's two points of interest in this area, and I suspect the Sue has chosen to surface somewhere near them," Alexis said, now all seriousness again. "One is the club downstairs. The other is the door at the end of that alley," she pointed to a darkened opening across from them.

"Couldn't you have been possessive of a cheerier fandom? Like Tales of Symphonia or Final Fantasy or something?" Joshua said.

She narrowed her eyes at him but continued. "Our time is limited so we have to split up. I'll take the club in the basement and you take the alley."

"Now hang on a minute," Joshua interrupted. "Why do you take the semi-brightly lit stairs down to a club while I have to go and wander off into the gaping abyss of doom?"

"You exaggerate. It's not that big."

"You know what I mean," he snapped.

"Fine," she said sternly. "Choose then. You can go downstairs and run into demons itching for random battles, ask directions from wandering souls and finally reach a club populated entirely by ghosts. Or, you can cross this simple square, go into the relatively short alley, open the door, peek in, and get out. Pick your poison."

Joshua frowned. "Now that you put it that way, I think I'll take the alley."

Alexis rolled her eyes. "Whoever finds Sue000377554 first will have to exterminate her. Make sure you're prepared. I'll meet you by the entrance in three minutes," with that she gave a curt nod and proceeded down the nearest flight of stairs.

Joshua watched her go and then, screwing up his courage he moved to the alley in purposeful strides. Once he reached the mouth he hesitated the slightest bit before plunging in.

It was dark, but then again that was expected. Nothing seemed to be wholly lit in this fan-verse anyway. Joshua consoled himself with the thought that he wouldn't have to hang around much longer and went further into the alley, walking as quietly as possible. By the extremely faint light he finally made out the image of a door. This was it.

He cautiously put a hand on the doorknob and the other on the rifle he had been allowed for this mission. Turning the doorknob slowly he peeked inside.

And belted out the loudest scream in his entire life.

**»»»**

If Alexis had heard that she no doubt would have beaned him over the head with her own regulation firearm. Being two floors down, however, the only sound she could hear was the pounding of music from behind the door of the club.

Unlike her uncomfortable partner, Alexis felt quite at home with her surroundings. She hadn't needed some elaborate disguise, for one thing, and the lack of life, while unnerving to others, seemed almost tranquil to her. Maybe she was just naturally morbid. Reaching for the door, she pushed it open and partially unsheathed the knife that she always carried around her person.

And she came face to face with Sue000377554.

Moments before the impossibly pretty but slightly unsettling person with feral eyes smudged with a generous layer of eyeliner sent her flying down the hallway with one punch, something flashed in Alexis' brain:

_Blood! Sacrifice! Ritual! This fucking place is nuts!_

"Damnit, Joshua, get a grip!" Alexis yelled as he massaged her head, seemingly unaware for the moment that she was saying it out loud instead of focusing her partner to hear it.

"Who the hell is Joshua?" Sue000377554 demanded, a razor held menacingly in one hand, her cat-like features angry.

"Oh great, you're a half-demon," Alexis said, getting a better look at her.

Despite looking like she had the advantage in this fight, Sue00377554 was seemingly more preoccupied with something else, specifically one white-haired demon hunter. She turned her head in the direction of the way out. "Shit, I'm late. Listen, chick, I'd play around a bit longer but I have a previous appointment I have to get to," and, simple as that, she bounded towards the end of the corridor and up the first flight of stairs.

Seething, Alexis hauled herself up to her feet, even as Joshua screamed out in her head. Jesus, this agent telepathy thing they had should have been made with an off switch. She resolutely tore off after her quarry.

**»»» continued**


	4. Thou Shalt Not Screweth With My Fandom

  
Weak chapter ahead; you have been warned. I will make it up in the next one. Don't look at me like that; I will! Now please read on!

Date Uploaded: 12 June 2005

**Chapter 04: Thou Shalt Not Screweth With My Fandom**

Upon once again reaching the main level Alexis caught sight of two running figures. One was Sue00377554, already dashing through the exit. A few paces behind her was a terrified Joshua, white as a sheet and looking ready to blow chunks.

_Have to get out… Screw the mission…_

"Oh no you don't!" Alexis called out, narrowly managing to grab onto the back of his jacket. She then whipped him around, clutched him by the lapels and shook him hard. "Snap out of it, St. Louis! And stop screaming in my head!"

That seemed to work fairly well. Joshua blinked, focused on her and the telepathic shrieks died out. "Alexis…"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" she growled, letting him go.

"Me?" Now that Joshua had regained his senses he grew angry. "You set me up! You didn't mention some creepy-looking figures would be holding a kind of butchering ceremony behind that door!"

"That was the reason you're freaked out?" Alexis said in disbelief. "You're supposed to be an agent; will you compose yourself? Jesus, if a little thing like that gets to you…"

"It wasn't so little," Joshua snapped back. Now he was beginning to go pink as he realized exactly the stupidity of his actions. "I guess the creepiness got to me and I lost a bit of control. Technically I'm still new, remember?"

"That excuse was only valid two chapters ago," Alexis shot back, now hurrying towards the exit. "Come on, you distracted me so much down there that our Sue got away. We're screwed if she meets up with Dante; it'll take a hell of a lot more fixing up to do."

"Right, coming, coming," Joshua grumbled, jogging behind her. He stopped as she shoved him into a darkened area and motioned for him to keep still.

A second later the hesitant figure of a teenaged girl in a blue school uniform appeared. Tachibana Chiaki looked around at the near empty square for a moment before taking the same flight of stairs down, presumably towards the club.

When the coast was clear Alexis poked her head out again. "If I have my timelines correct, Chiaki arriving here would mean Dante has just met up with the main character," she muttered, almost to herself. "That means our demon boy is headed here."

"Despite having no idea what you said, I garner this is all bad so let's get the hell out of here," Joshua said, straightening his coat.

"Most intelligent thing I've heard from you all day," Alexis commented as the two of them hurried out.

**»»»**

If they had known Sue000377554 herself had gotten lost in the wasteland they probably wouldn't have hurried so much, or been so panicky. Now their half-demon prey (because being a helpless human sucks and being a full demon blows) groaned and peered into the wreckage of a great building that lay in front of her. "Damnit, Dante should be somewhere around here; if that stupid spirit hadn't given me faulty directions I would be with him now!"

She also cursed the woman she had seen in Shibuya. Somehow, the moment the door opened she knew this person was dangerous to her, more so than the Nekomata standing behind her. Surprisingly the woman hadn't struck first, and seemed to be having a conversation with her head once Sue000377554 had hit her. Now she was even more desperate to find Dante. Once he was with her they could get rid of that annoying woman together.

And in the distance she saw it. A flash of red that was quickly made out to be a trench coat. The figure in the distance had white hair that hung over his high collar. Sue000377554 stopped herself short of screaming in delight. Time to put her plan in motion.

Crouching low she made her way for him at top speed. Her strategy for snagging the hottie was basic; attack him as an enemy but somehow make him see that there was more to this outer shell. And then she would slowly reveal her tragic, marvelous past that had gaping holes here and there where canon and logic should have been. But, first thing's first.

With a cry she pounced, hands outstretched, fingernails out like claws. Slowly he turned…

And she stopped dead, forgetting she was in mid-leap and effectively losing her footing. She flailed, still looking into the cheekily grinning face of a Jack Frost.

"Hee-ho," the creature with Dante's hair and clothing said.

"What the…?"

A hand suddenly tapped Sue000377554 on the shoulder. She turned and was the recipient of a closed fist that made violent contact with her nose. "Thou. Shalt. Not. Screweth. With. My. Fandom," Alexis said fiercely, punctuating each word with a shot to the face. Soon her knuckles were smeared black from goth-Sue's excessive makeup.

She would probably have kept going if Dante Frost hadn't grabbed her wrist. "Cool it, Alexis!" Joshua's voice said from behind the grinning mask. "Remember what Erin said about NOT going overboard."

"Oh, right," Alexis said, now gripping the near-unconscious Sue in one hand. Then she caught sight of something and froze. "Shit!" she snatched Joshua's pistol and fired a solitary shot into the Sue's gut, making her evaporate like so many others before her.

"Hey, I thought I was supposed to finish off the Sue!" Joshua complained.

"It was your gun, now stop whining, we've got company!"

"What, where?" Joshua asked, panicked and looking around.

"Dante!"

"What, me?"

"No, the REAL Dante!" Alexis snapped, shoving the pistol back to him. "Now take off that ridiculous top disguise before he sees you! No, no, keep on the one underneath!"

Some twenty meters away the said badass demon slayer disinterestedly poked through rubble with his trademarked gigantic sword. He had a couple of hours to kill before he met that half-demon again at the doors of the Mantra Headquarters and he was bored stiff. Maybe he shouldn't have accepted this gig. Oh well, too late for that now.

A movement caught his eye and he looked up. A few ways off he spotted two figures. 'I could've sworn that other one looked like me…' he thought. Upon closer inspection told him that it was just a Jack Frost and its fiery counterpart, a Pyro Jack. 'This place must be fucking with my head.'

But then it didn't hurt to have a little target practice. Dante lifted his firearm and took aim, but stopped short of squeezing the trigger when the two low-level demons hightailed it out of there, almost as if they had known he was around.

Shrugging, Dante went back to nonchalantly kicking at rubble, wondering where he could get himself some grub in this twisted wasteland.

**»»» continued**


	5. Little Miss Perfect

  
Okay, I have read all of the Harry Potter books that are out but as far as I'm concerned I'm still a relative novice in this fandom. If I have made any mistakes in this chapter please feel free to tell me. Any suggestions for fandoms? I still have a few more, including WWE, and we all know what a mess that place is. Read on, please.

Date Uploaded: 22 June 2005

**Chapter 05: Little Miss Perfect**

"You promised you would bend over for me, Joshua."

"Jesus, Alexis, you'd hold me to that? I said it in the heat of the moment!"

"I don't fucking care. Now take your punishment like a man and bend over!"

To anyone who happened to be standing outside Erin Van Der Lee's office that morning, hearing this conversation would have no doubt startled and bemused them. This was the case of Erin's secretary, who had stopped mid-bite of her croissant and was now staring at the door with incredulous curiosity. Of course it wasn't exactly what she thought.

Inside Alexis pointed an accusing finger at Joshua but looked at Erin. "You heard him, right, Erin? He specifically said that in the event he fucked up our next mission, which he obviously did, he would personally bend over so I could boot his ass out myself! Now I demand he keep to that promise!"

"Listen, I hardly think I did so bad…" Joshua began to defend himself, but the irritated Alexis cut him off.

"You saw one creepy little thing and started screaming like a little girl, _in my head!_" Alexis said fiercely, drumming the words home into his cranium as well. "We could have failed the entire thing if not for a little luck and quick thinking on my part!"

"Oh yeah, dress up like Dante, I could have thought of that."

"And yet you didn't!"

"All right, I want you two to knock it off right now or you'll both be suspended!" Erin bellowed. Her threat may have been more intimidating if she didn't have a huge mouthful of Egg McMuffin clogging it up. Nevertheless it did work and her squabbling agents shut up. "That's better," she said, swallowing. "Now I'm not going to pretend that Joshua didn't make an ass out of himself in your last assignment…"

Alexis shot Joshua a triumphant look.

"… But you seem to forget, Alexis, he stopped you from making a huge mistake on your part yourself," Erin continued.

"And how is that?" Alexis said scornfully.

"You gave that Sue eight shots in the face before St. Louis here reminded you about not going overboard," Erin snapped. "If you had done any more I would have head to put you on probation. The way I see it, you both saved each other's skin here in the agency."

Alexis and Joshua were both quiet. At least they seemed to be.

_Tool._

_Bitch._

_Scab._

_Oh yeah?_

_Yeah!_

"Don't think I don't know what you're doing!" Erin warned shrilly. These two were being such children. "Now the way I see it, St. Louis has at least earned himself another chance." She threw another case file on the desk. "And here it is. But three strikes and I'll have no qualms letting Riviera kick you out right into next Tuesday."

"Hey, as they say, third time's the charm," Joshua said with his most charismatic grin.

**»»»**

The Three Broomsticks was relatively full that afternoon. Alexis and Joshua sat at a small table to one side, the former swigging butterbeers and the latter taking one last glance at the case file. Both of them had switched their suits for witch and wizard robes.

"Sue000400079 is overload, definitely," Joshua was saying. "Daughter of Lord Voldemort, a parseltongue, excellent in all subjects and an exchange student from America. Of course she's staggeringly beautiful."

"Of course."

"She's destined to end up in Slytherin and become Draco Malfoy's object of utmost affection," Joshua followed up, sipping out of his own drink.

"That colorless little piss-off? What in the hell do fan girls see in that kid?"

"You're asking the wrong guy," Joshua said, looking back at the folder. "Apparently the timeline we're in is during the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Thankfully for us the Sue will spawn somewhere outside the school grounds, since apparently the rule of not being able to apparate and disapparate in and out of Hogwarts applies to them as well. Not to mention us."

"Apparate?" Alexis asked, although seemed to be more interested in looking at the bottom of her mug.

"Teleport, for lack of a better term. Anyway, our little Sue will probably take a considerable time getting to castle doors before intending to make a scene in the Great Hall that'll draw all attention to her arrival. We should be waiting for her inside the castle before that happens."

Alexis' response to that was a loud belch. Joshua gave her a disgusted look. "That was attractive," he said dryly.

"Screw you, St. Louis," she said, shifting comfortable in her seat. She looked approvingly at the three empty butterbeer mugs in front of her. "These are good. Let's get some more." She would have waved her arm at Madam Rosmerta if Joshua hadn't stopped her.

"Stop it, would you? We can't risk calling any more attention to ourselves."

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have chosen such a crowded area."

"Like Sirius said, with more people around there's less chance of being heard, unlike in the Hog's Head," he said. 

Alexis' blank look clearly indicated that she had no idea what he was saying.

Joshua sighed. "'Order of the Phoenix', fifth book. You should read it."

"Probably. But that would entail having to read all four books before it. And I still have a shit-load of games to finish."

Joshua rolled his eyes and then looked at his watch. "All right, time to move."

Unsure of how much money to leave, he simply dumped two galleons onto the table, leaving the tavern with Alexis. Both were unaware of the old witch at the bar who raised her head and gave them a sinister smile as they left.

**»»»**

It was dusk when Aleixs and Joshua hit the Hogwarts grounds. From there they caught sight of a few pupils milling around before dinner and casually joined them, morphing their appearance so that they looked younger and trading their clothes for black school robes. A couple of minutes later bells rang and the students began to file back into the castle.

Once inside the immense double doors, Alexis and Joshua gradually began to break off from the pack. There was a moment of uncertainty as to where to hide, but a quick survey of the paintings found them to be empty.

"Typical," a tall sixth year said. "They must have moved closer to the Great Hall to hear who gets to be picked as champions for the three schools."

"Well isn't that convenient for us," Joshua said in a low voice as the crowd went on ahead. "Quick, hop into one of the paintings. We'll wait there until the Sue comes."

"Hop into the what?" Alexis asked, but by then he had jumped into a frame featuring a telescope pointed up into the night sky. Shrugging, Alexis followed suit, only into a picture with a large tree decked with flowers. And they waited.

They weren't waiting long before the gaunt figure of Argus Filch shuffled over and began to close the doors. A harried voice stopped him. "Wait; please, not yet!"

And Sue000400079 appeared. Despite her refutable ties with Lord Voldemort, or probably because of it, she did not have near reptilian features. Glossy strawberry-blonde hair fell down her shoulders in a sheet, and her clear eyes inexplicably changed colors depending on her temper, outdoing any mood ring. She gave the impression of being too shiny to be real.

Filch looked at her like he would something that had gotten stuck under his shoe. "You're late; ought to shut you outside for the night! It might do a pest like you some good!"

"You wouldn't," Sue000400079 scoffed. "For one thing, you have no authority to. For another, right now you'd rather crawl back to your hole and review those magic manuals you paid for, am I right, Squib? Not much good they'll do you, though; having just some measly magic isn't enough to make students respect you."

Filch stared at her, bewildered. "How did you…?"

_Legilimens._ Alexis received that wry not from Joshua. _It should take years to learn that but not for Little Miss Perfect, no… Bitch._

She grinned. _It's not like you to be bitter and cynical. Leave that role to me._

_I'd be glad to, believe me. Oh, and remind me to get the Alteration Branch to fix Filch's memory; can't have him remembering this atrocious little gem._

"Have the house-elves take my trunk, would you?" Sue000400079 brushed past Filch haughtily and, it would assume, proceeded to the Great Hall. Joshua gave Alexis a discreet nod and they followed, leaving Filch to scratch his head.

**»»» continued**


End file.
